Confession: I want to feel beautiful

Confessions are hard to make.
but I am willing to make one.

you ever get dolled up just to feel....sexy?

you ever put every lock of hair in place just to feel....pretty?

you ever throw on your best jeans and favorite shirt just to feel...beautiful?

you ever slip on those heels you only worn once just to feel...confident?

you ever stand in the mirror and do all sorts of poses just to feel...modelesque?

cause I do.

And I know we all do it. but why?

Personally its so I can look in the mirror and say "hey, you're kinda cute." and not feel like I'm lying to myself.

Xk

Ps. if any guy tells me they DON'T behave in similar ways they are a god damn liar. end of story.

My Dads Day

Paul is a one of a kind dad.

I dont think Ive ever met anyone who compares to him. In wit, in sarcasm, in awkwardness when in front of my friends, and love. My dad and I dont always get along. In fact, its a great day when we do.

Both being stubborn, some like to blame it on our star signs: Aries and Taurus, its almost always a battle of whos right and who gets the last word. With his occasional parties with friends getting too occasional for my liking and his way of regarding every little problem as if it was the end of the human world, he is very frustrating. But I could never call it quits on him. Even with our heads butting and tempers flarring, I still know he cares deeply for me. It might even be that he cares too much, but how could I wish that different?

My dad raised me since birth and if you ask me, sure, we had harder than hell times, but truthfully I grew well.

Through it all, I learned to grow-up fast, which in turn, made me realize all the decisions my friends were making were worse than they thought imaginable. And when they would all be sitting in bed grounded or, now that we are all older, in jail, Im always the one who has the clean record who they call on for help. Ive had my parties, but nothing so far gone that a shake of the head and a "go to bed now" didnt solve. I didnt need any of the thrills of getting drunk and hanging on the arms of boys I didnt know. My dad taught me better than that. I am eternally grateful.

This is your day dad, and so is the next day and the next and the next...

Happy Fathers Day.

Xk

and the hard part: getting out of the gossip

the first step to being a bitch is: admitting youre perfect.

also works for asshole.

Im not perfect. in any way shape or form.
I make plenty of mistakes.
and I will say sorry when I think its granted.

when someone treats me like a child instead of the adult I am, it doesnt make me angry. it breaks my heart.

If you cant see that it hurts my feelings when youre talking to others about our problems instead of going to the source, you dont deserve my respect.

I respect your opinions, why cant you respect mine?

you ask, I deliver.
Im not a sugar-coater if you know what I mean.

the truth hurts darling, but its better to know your flaws than to hide them from the world forever.


Gossip is an instant cringe upon on my face. Its not that I dont understand the lethalness of it, the heartbreak of it. I get it. I get how easy it is to fall under its spell when its going from one ear, to yours, to the next.

I just never thought it would happen to me. Ive never had a story to tell someone else. I dont get emabrrassed, Im not rude to people, Im honest, I dont do drunk calls, I keep my hair clean, etc. theres never been much to say about Kortnii. until someone decided to take my words and twist them into something that is ugly, hurtful, and most of all: a big fat fatty of a lie.

and you know what Ive learned about gossip?
its exactly the amount of bullshit and lies about the person as I thought it was.

you know what else?
it makes me laugh.

like Ive said countless times: I dont care what you think. so long as its about me.

love that saying, I really do.

For those who truly care about me: I love you.
anyone else: I love you too.

there isnt enough in me to hate anyone to be honest. those who cant stand me I still have room in my heart for. they make me laugh with their rediculousness. whats not to love?

Xk

Ps. I know this is sort of an out-of-the-blue-whats-wrong-Kortnii? sort of post. but I had a lot on my mind these days and had no one but you bloggers to share them with in confidence.

Brain Blah

Can we say brain blah? seriously.

I dont get writers block. I have plenty of things to go on and on about. I just dont feel like writing any of them down.

Sorry bloggers, I think I might need a break.

"but kortnii, you dont even post that often"

more often than nothing at all isnt it?

I just need more progress on my real writing. no offense bloggers, I do love telling you all the random things that go on in my head. but Ive really had some amazing ideas these days that need a little more attention than usual.

hey, I mean, what if its my big break? youll get to point at the TV saying "oh yeah, I follow her blog! we are like...so e-close its tear worthy"

It wont be a long break. it might not be a break at all. Prolly just wont blog til Thursday. so I can FINALLY hold my first Creeptastic Thursday event of a blogtime. yeah, you dont even have to say its about time, cuase I know it is.

Oh and report on Boo Radley house: I tried to get a photo of it, and then the owner like...peeked through the window. yeah. I ran. almost screaming. mostly laughing. Ill go back later.

Xk

feeling wasted

"I want to change the world, but instead I sleep" - ingrid michaelson

I dont feel like Ive done enough in my life. for my family, my friends, and most of all for me. Im not being selfish, Ive actually been too selfless these years. ive been so worried about making everyone else happy, making everyone elses days go right, that even when I thought about changing course, helping myself out, it felt so selfish that I didnt follow through. I just keep going through the motions of everyone elses days and Im tired of it.

I was just told the other day that "youve only got time to lose" and I realized something while I sat their, parted lips reading outloud over and over again, taking in the harmless words.

My life is being wasted away.

Yeah, Ill happily spend the rest of my days reading every book I can get my fingers on, eating take out, writing every moment in time I feel inspired, and showering only when I feel the need to do so. But I have bigger dreams than that now.

My life isnt being lived to the fullest, hell its not being lived at all in my family's eyes. Im nothing. Im a speck of dust in the whirlwind of society. if I was to disappear, the whirl wouldnt perish. it wouldnt even tilt the slightest bit.

If Kortnii didnt exsist, would anything be different?
well surely different in some small way, but does anyone depend on her? no.
does anyone need her around? no. not really.
the world will move on without her easily, and if anything, easier. I need to change that.

Ive been told that life is like a board game. throw your chances, see where the pieces may lay. You know what I say to that? screw that.

Life isnt a game

life isnt about winning, losing.

Life is about living.

and I havent lived a day yet.

But I will. starting today, I will. And it wont be about the money, the friends, the glitter. its about me. My life is about me. Whoever wants to join me on the way I shall enjoy their company and try my hardest to make my presence the same back, but for right now, I need to get Kortnii figured out before I help anyone else these days.

like I said once before, to hell with trying so god damn hard for everyone else. Im trying for me and those I truly love and those who truly love me.

I know I can make a difference. I will.
I want to change the world, but I havent figured out how. yet.

Xk

Ps. Im not all sorry for my ramblings, for what I have just ranted on about [and hopfully made sense about] will shed light on someone elses life, but I am in a way sorry if you spent all the time reading this post in hopes for the normal laughs and giggles I bring to the world. Another serious post, you ask? yeah yeah, Im not feeling so silly these days. get over it, we all go through phases.

Ps. Aunt, you still havent read A True Love Story, the post I emailed you about a few weeks ago. im starting to think you jsut dont read my emails. I will call you about it [again] tomorrow, dont worry.