Have you ever looked death in the face? Have you ever felt the chills run down your arms at too fast a pace that your body starts pouring into the floorboards with them?
I would have blogged about last weekend as soon as I got home on Sunday, but I wouldn't allow myself to think about the events that took place. I now allow myself, just so you know why Ive been so distant since then.
This was my weekend from hell.
I had a horse show this past weekend. I packed my bags, smiles on the faces of my best friend and I as we got our horses ready, ourselves ready. We had this weekend planned for months, talking about it for weeks, and when that first sign hit us, we should have just turned the truck around and stayed the hell home.
While trying to coax my horse into the wash rack to bathe her, a loose dog scampered down the hallway at the two of us. All I could do was let her lead line go and pray to god she did not fall down on her side on the concrete hallway. as the dog and horse danced back and forth, neither fell. Cookie is ok, pulled a muscle on the top of her back end,but was not limping so I brushed it off as very lucky non-accident accident.
Concrete and heavy horses hip bones do not mix. She is very lucky.
As we pulled out of the driveway of the stables, back seats packed tightly with tack, food, clothes, etc and the trailer holding two horses, there was a distinct CLUNK CALUNK CLUNK behind us. I swear to you, as I watched the horse trailer un-hook from the truck, I now know what a heart attack feels like.
of course the horses are ok, it was the trailer pin that snapped. We took our steeds out of the trailer, re-hooked up, and went on down the road. Wiping sweat off our foreheads, nothing could go wrong after this....
Not a half hour later do I see something bright pink hanging off the side of the trailer. A lead rope, dangling out the window where my friends horses face sits for the ride, right next to the wheels of the trailer, waiting to be tangled within them. We slam on the brakes as easy as we can, run out the doors of the truck and notice the lead was still connected to Ziggii's
[friends horse] face.
If the line had caught up in the wheels, Ziggii would have been missing half of her face, that's all I'm saying.
We knock on wood, this is the last thing to go wrong. Things like this only come in threes. And The rest of the night is fun, we arrived at the show grounds, put everything away for the night and clambered back into the truck for some drinks a good nights rest at the hotel.
I will not tell you where I stayed the night. I will post the news article when I find it myself, when I allow myself to look for it. The information I will give you is this: Sometime between the 1am cigarette break before bed and the 5am we woke up to get ready for our horse show a girl had hanged herself from the balcony of our hotel with knotted bedsheets not ten doors down from our room.
Every time I close my eyes, every time I'm home alone, in a quiet room alone, I see this image.
I will never return there.
After talking with my dad,
[in his earlier years he was a Policeman, EMT, and a Fireman] it was a possibility that the girl who hanged from the balcony did not jump. She could have been pushed.
Don't think the weekend could get worse? We get to the horse show after calming down, and while getting our horses ready in the aisle way, a passing horse decided it was going to mount Ziggii. Shes ok, only a couple of scraps, but all was well. for now.
As the day progresses, we try to find somewhere else to stay that night, as there is another show the next day. We get a hold of a number from a friend and they tell us its a really cheap but cozy hotel. Ok, we call, reserve a room, and pull into the driveway.
The hotel is chilling. It. looked. exactly. the. same. as the last place. Balcony and all. But we have no where else to go, so we run up to our room, only to be followed by drunk men who's faces were slammed in our door.
I literally sat on the stained and piss smelling carpet in the fetal position for an hour, talking quietly with the rest of the people I was staying with. But we stay, we have to. We have no where else and didn't want to face the drunks outside.
Another cigarette break is needed and, being on the top floor this time, my friend and I stood on the balcony. but not for long. As we looked down to the ground the images flooded back and we had to get inside.
As I lay in bed, staring at the ceiling, I finally fell asleep at 11:30pm only to wake up to the sound of drunk singing, louder than concert music, laughter, and other noises that parade around your ears when at a party. Even my ipod at full volume all night could not drown out their noise and the party did not end until 5:30am the next morning.
Half an hour after we had to wake for the next show day.
When I got home it was dark, I was alone, and I had sat on my couch for hours. No tears ran down my cheeks, for the panic attack and full blown fear hit so hard I could not dare make a noise.
Xk
See now this is just a gift from me to you. This is adorably naughty. 
