Thursday, May 14, 2009

feeling wasted

"I want to change the world, but instead I sleep" - ingrid michaelson

I dont feel like Ive done enough in my life. for my family, my friends, and most of all for me. Im not being selfish, Ive actually been too selfless these years. ive been so worried about making everyone else happy, making everyone elses days go right, that even when I thought about changing course, helping myself out, it felt so selfish that I didnt follow through. I just keep going through the motions of everyone elses days and Im tired of it.

I was just told the other day that "youve only got time to lose" and I realized something while I sat their, parted lips reading outloud over and over again, taking in the harmless words.
My life is being wasted away.
Yeah, Ill happily spend the rest of my days reading every book I can get my fingers on, eating take out, writing every moment in time I feel inspired, and showering only when I feel the need to do so. But I have bigger dreams than that now.
My life isnt being lived to the fullest, hell its not being lived at all in my family's eyes. Im nothing. Im a speck of dust in the whirlwind of society. if I was to disappear, the whirl wouldnt perish. it wouldnt even tilt the slightest bit.

If Kortnii didnt exsist, would anything be different?
well surely different in some small way, but does anyone depend on her? no.
does anyone need her around? no. not really.
the world will move on without her easily, and if anything, easier. I need to change that.

Ive been told that life is like a board game. throw your chances, see where the pieces may lay. You know what I say to that? screw that.
Life isnt a game
life isnt about winning, losing.
Life is about living.
and I havent lived a day yet.
But I will. starting today, I will. And it wont be about the money, the friends, the glitter. its about me. My life is about me. Whoever wants to join me on the way I shall enjoy their company and try my hardest to make my presence the same back, but for right now, I need to get Kortnii figured out before I help anyone else these days.

like I said once before, to hell with trying so god damn hard for everyone else. Im trying for me and those I truly love and those who truly love me.
I know I can make a difference. I will.
I want to change the world, but I havent figured out how. yet.
Ps. Im not all sorry for my ramblings, for what I have just ranted on about [and hopfully made sense about] will shed light on someone elses life, but I am in a way sorry if you spent all the time reading this post in hopes for the normal laughs and giggles I bring to the world. Another serious post, you ask? yeah yeah, Im not feeling so silly these days. get over it, we all go through phases.

Ps. Aunt, you still havent read A True Love Story, the post I emailed you about a few weeks ago. im starting to think you jsut dont read my emails. I will call you about it [again] tomorrow, dont worry.


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